Why am I always trying to change myself?

I reciently read a post on my friend leahs blog 'stereotypicality' and something hit home. I don't think i have ever got through a day, or know any girl who could truthfully say they have, without wishing something about myself was different. I wish i was thinner. I wish i was tanned. I wish i had more friends. I wish i was more confident. I wish my hair was longer, and blonder. Additionally, as leah pointed out, i cannot go out without makeup, to change my skin complextion, to highlight my cheakbones, to make my lips fuller and my eyelashes longer, and this makes me fake. I think there are very few people who really know who i am, stripped back. I am also a hypocrite when it comes to this matter, i reciently posted about people and their profile pictures, when i activley look through new tagged pictures of me, seeing if theres one i like.
Why do most girls want to change themselves? I can look across a crowd of people and instantly pick out a group of girls who i would rather look like. What makes this more pointless is that the girls i would pick, probably could do the same across the same crowd, but pick other girls. What i'm trying to say, is that i am going to recognise that most people really aren't that judgemental, and have their own insecurities to worry about.
I know that i am not the uglyiest person in the world (feel free to dissagree), and i know that i am not 'hot'. I wish i could just be comfortable in my skin.

I appologise to anyone who actually reads this that i haven't been able to post in a while. Sinse my last post; my GCSEs have started, I had my last day at school, and I have asked a friend to prom.
I have been going stir crazy over the past couple of days, forcing myself to stay in and stare at my revision notes. I have also been cut off from facebook and the internet in general, because my laptop covieniently broke just before my first exam. I have my suspicions that this is a plot from my scheming muma inorder to keep me focused.
I went to see the new Pirates of the Carabian film yesterday. Well, I saw Jonny Depp looking hot dressed as a pirate. To be honest in not sure what happened in the film, except that he was in it. So, it was good, i deffinatley recomend it.
I went to the doctors reciently to try and sort out my hayfever and skin before my exams and summer, and came back with steroids and the pill. Not sure that he understood. Anyway, this was part of my desperate attempt to look half decent for what i hope will be my best, most eventful summer so far. Alongside the skin regieme, i am attempting to loose weight and tone up, however i am finding this rather hard. I try to go the the gym twice a week with my auntie, however sometimes, frequently reciently, she is not able to go. Now this would not fase a normal person, but i am not. I get intimidated by the huge strong guys who appear to live there, and only eat raw meat, and the scary thin girls with blond shiny hair, who run wearing short shorts and a sports bra, and manage to get through the entire session without producing one bead of sweat. For this reason, i do not find myself in the gym, by myself very often. Staying at home during the week doesn't help either. I find myself gathering remains, wrappers and plates of food around my 'revision zone' that i do not remember getting from the fridge or let alone eating it.

Ferne's Song Of The Week

Its the Royal Wedding tomorrow which has put me in a very good mood, because I don't have to go to school for the next 4 days. Ahhhh, i dont know why but it feels like I haven't had a break in ages.. even though it was easter 4 days ago. I think i'm just tired.
I was listening to radio one a little while ago, and Ferne's 'song of the week' was 'down down down', by Charlie Simpson, and i really liked it. Out of curiosity I googled him when i got home, and it turns out he used to be the lead singer of busted! which was a complete surprise because the song has an acoustic folksy sound, rather than cheesy rock like busted was. Anyway i now feel i have a link with him, because i used to listen to busted when i was younger, so i will keep a look out for any future songs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_g3pT8nac8

Tomorrow is the last day of my easter break, so after breaking free from my study, and my mothers judging eyes, I found facebook. I asked myself the question "what have my friends been doing while I have been captive to my CGP books?", and indulged myself in a long overdue facebook stalk. What I have discovered from this rather unproductive hour, appart from that all my friends have also been trapped in their houses working, is that no-body really says what they want to on facebook. Some posts are interesting and funny, but some give the impression that the writer is trying really hard to get approval, and come across -to me anyway-  as really constructed. Its the same with profile pictures, if you know me, then you know that i have had the same profile picture since June last year. Its just a picture taken on my birthday, with my friends, that I think I look good in. I'm not buying the whole 'really? you think its pretty? i'm not sure.." bullshitt. If you didn't like the picture, you wouldn't profile it. Anyway, the reason I haven't changed my picture since June, is because I haven't seen a picture taken of me that I like enough since then. I'm not going to stand in-front of my mirror before I go out and take a picture specifically for the purpose of being on my profile, or even worse, get dressed and put on makeup just for the picture. I have just read this back and realized that this is turning into one big long rant, which nobody will want to read so i'll end it there.

I've been thinking a lot about 'real friends'. I don't mean that any of my friends are fake, I've just been wondering who it will be that I'm still in contact with in 5 or 10 years time. I will defiantly try to keep in contact with my closest friends, but one (of my many) negative personality traits is that i never seem to dig my foundations deep. When it comes to friends in school, i'm more of a 'floater' than 'in a group', and i think that this will make it harder to keep in contact with people when we all go our separate ways. More specifically i'm worried about who will still be there when i leave for Borlase. is it just me, or do i talk about borlase too much?

I've never talked about what is really bothering me on my blog before, just the safe superficial stuff. I'm always worried that something i write will be taken the wrong way, and will upset someone or give them the wrong impression of me. But for some reason i want to now. I bought my shoes (Yes. that is the big secret. My worries too private for my blog are about shoes. I am living up to the girl stereotype) for prom a couple of days ago,and although i love shoe shopping, especially when i am not the one paying, i felt conflicted. I just kept being reminded about the fact that i don't have a prom date. Most peoples solution to that is, go with a close guy friend, but thats just it. I don't really have any guy friends. Just acquaintances and friends-of-friends. I don't understand how some girls find all this stuff so easy. I have never 'got' a guy that i fancied, and my only boyfriend was a drunken mistake i wish i could either undo or forget. I know it's a little pathetic, but in every movie, story or just in someones imagination, you have a prom date. I can just picture the couples dancing (only a few of my closest and trusted friends know and have witnessed how fatally bad my dancing is. which is another worry added to by the fact that i'm wearing a floor length dress with unpractically high heels), the date/friends talking and then me sitting with the lesbians.. no the lesbians will be dancing with each other, sitting by myself because all my friends will have dates and i won't. Its not like any guys there will be without a date, they have to have a date to get in. I feel embarrassed just thinking about it.

I acknowledge the fact that i sound depressed in this post/rant, i really am happy though. My next post will be jolly and happy and positive about the sunshine and my boat, i promise. I got just a little carried away with myself.

always at home

It's always bothered me that I don't go out enough. For the past two new years nights, I have been sitting at home promising to myself that by next year I will be going out more. I feel like I'm missing out on the whole fun of being a teenager, but not because I'm too young for my age, but because I don't know enough people. I have so much fun on holiday in Summer, going out with my stepsisters. This new years, I decided for sure that I would go to Borlase. I decided that I needed a fresh start to meet new people, and the students at Borlase appear to have more fun. I have fun with my friends, It's just that It's always a 'girly shopping trip' or 'sleepover'. For now I have decided to put it to the back of my mind, because exams are soon and after them, Summer. I just felt the need to let of some steam to the 0 people that read this.

Boring

I have just realized that all my posts are about work, Borlase or summer, therefore I have concluded that this blog is boring. My friends always tell me that I am strange and slightly insane, like a child. For example, during science lessons I recently drew what would happen if you mixed a monkey with a cat, and called him 'Cankey'. This amused me for a couple of weeks worth of science lessons, and got me through pretty much all of modules 4-6. Only Bee will understand this. Anyway I have decided that I am too serious and cautious when I write this blog, but have decided that as no-body reads this, I might as well relax.

Going to Borlase

I received my reply from Borlase recently, and discovered that I had got in. Now I am in, I'm very relieved and excited, but I'm also scared. This means that I'm actually going, no excuses now. I still do really want to go, but the realization that in September I will be going to Borlase, has just hit me. The idea of leaving all my friends and going somewhere completely different to where I am comfortable and happy, frightens me. But i think that it is something that i need to do, and it will be good for me. I almost feel like I'm too comfortable now, and am ready to find something new.

On a more happy note, there are only about 13 days of going to school left. Also it's almost easter, which will be a welcome break to the early mornings and school uniform. Not a break from work though, it will be pretty much two weeks of revising. I'm looking forward to going on my boat during easter, with a few friends. Hopefully it will be sunny, nice weather makes revising easier.